ok time to tell all....

I am feeling a little better than I was , OK a whole lot better than I was yesterday so hopefully I will be able to get this out without descending into floods of tears.

Saturday S & E came to visit and we had such a wonderful day together , they were like different people , a happiness I had never seen in them before had taken them over , the whole world could have burned down around them and they wouldn't have cared.

They asked me later in the day if I would mind doing a couple more pregnancy tests so that they could wrap them for their parents Christmas gifts . awww but to my surprise the tests didn't show a strong positive,one had a very faint line and one had no line at all, now it was 5 days after my period was due so those lines should have been able to be seen from space, it concerned me a little and E too but we tried to reason it away , duff tests , just did them wrong ,etc etc.

I went to bed Saturday night praying that everything would be OK , don't let anything bad happen . I hardly slept at all, i felt sick to my stomach and then at 5 am the cramps started, I went to the loo hoping like you wouldn't believe that i was nothing and there it was , huge amounts of blood . I knew straight away that it was far too much blood for the pregnancy to be saved. I was devastated. I woke my husband and he just held me while I cried. of course it was far to early to call S & E so i called NHS direct and they confirmed it sounded like I was miscarrying and gave me this whole long lists of if this happens see your Dr or call back.

Just after 9 am I made the worst call of my life , the only thing I have to compair it to is telling my children their granddad has died ... that's how bad it felt. I picked up the phone dialed the number , E picked up and I couldn't speak, Steve took over from me and told her while I disolved in the chair next to him. I pulled myself together enough to talk to her and she was amazingly composed and calm , told me not to feel bad , i had given them so much hope and happiness that they would never forget this week. and to make sure I took care of myself because they would hate for anything bad to happen to me . She asked if it was ok for S to call later of course I said yes, why wouldn't I want to speak to my best friends in the world when they had just lost a baby.

I ping'ed the lady who gives me support from suk and boy am I glad I have that support . she was great told me to take from this the knowledge that we can get pregnant and my person knowledge that this is what I really want to do . i know in my heart and my head I want to give S & Ethe family they have dreamed of so long and I won't be happy until I do.

it was Mitch's 12th birthday so i held myself together the best I could , taking painkillers for the cramps and resting when i could. luckily Steve had the day off work.

later S called and we chatted for a while , S and I have always got on OK but were never as close as E and I and that has changed so much this last week , our friendship blossomed with the happiness that i gave them and that is something I will always be grateful for . S was talking like he wasn't sure we would try again , thanking me for everything , saying that maybe there just weren't supposed to be parents . which BTW makes me so cross .

I was so devastated when i got off the phone , how could he give up after all we have been through together, our friendship has been tested we have had ups and downs and come through them how can he give up on this now we are so close. but I understand this is the second baby they have lost and the hurt is bad, they were so high that the down was so huge it must have been unbearable.

Monday was a really hard day for me , I think the reality hit , loosing the baby , maybe even loosing my IP's , letting down my best friends , maybe even being responsible for them giving up their dreams. I spent all day in tears , unable to focus on anything , I wanted to speak to them but was in no fit state to pick up the phone.

Thankfully Steve got home early , and picked up the slack , doing the House work, taking care of the kids and being my shoulder to cry on . I am so grateful for him , so glad he is here in my life accompanying me through this journey . I wouldn't have been able to get this far without him and he's defiantly pulling me through this.

he called E later and explained to her how I was feeling, she said they are hurting so much , this has bought back all the pain they suffered when they lost their first baby at 5 months . I can totally understand that and feel so much for them , but they haven't discussed what they want to do next and to give up and stop trying would mean giving up on having a child and living the rest of their lives without hope and Evelina for one isn't ready to do that.

I called later , after a couple of glasses of wine and some R & R and spoke to E , we spent a lot of time telling each other not to feel guilty, she feels guilty for putting me and my family through this and I feel guilty for not taking good enough care of her baby. she is so worried about it happening again and I can't offer any reassurances that it won't . all i can say is that Its the first miscarriage I have had , my 5th pregnancy , and there is no reason to think it would happen again.

I am so worried that they are going to give up but I think in my heart of hearts and knowing them and the joy they get from children they won't be able to walk away. heck I'm not going to let them , i don't know if I could help another couple having failed them so badly, I have told them that, and told them that I desperately want to help them still and am not giving up on them . but you never know , how much pain can one couple go through in the quest for a child ? how many babies do they have to loose before they give up ? what right do I have to tell them to carry on ? could they be happier without risking this hurt and giving up hope than they are with hope and facing this hurt again ?

there are so many questions and only they have the answers. i don't know what the future holds for me as a surrogate but I desperately hope this isn't the end of our journey together.

Bad news I'm afraid

It is with an aching heart i have to tell you all that I have lost S &E's baby. I will be back to give more details later as I just don't feel up to it right now.

Its official

I am definitely pregnant , there are three things guaranteed to happen to me when I am newly pregnant

1. I stop drinking coffee and switch to tea .... Happened yesterday
2. toothpaste makes me gag !!!! This morning
3. I loose weight initially ..... Clothes are already feeling looser .

so there you go I'd know I was present without a test by now !!!

morning sickness has kicked in , not terribly but slightly , I am in desperate need of tea and toast every morning to stave it off . Bought a new toaster yesterday as my darling son had melted a pen in the old one and I just don't have time in the mornings to watch the grill normally I would wait until the kids have gone to school but not anymore .

S&E are being great so far , they have made it clear that anything I want just ask , Stef has volunteered E's expertise with the iron LOL.

I have amazed myself with my reaction to this pregnancy I have none of the normal excitement, none of the thoughts that I am going to have a baby aww . Widened get me wrong I am thrilled to be pregnant and went I am around S & E I get so excited for them but its not like it was carrying my own baby and that's great . I know its really early days but I has to be a good sign .

wow its been a while

My month off was great I had a fantastic trip to see my brother well worth waiting all my life for:)

Insems happened two weeks ago and went fantasticly, I was so realxed and it so happened that S&E were visiting at ovulation time . it was really relaxed and we had a great time together over the two days that we did insems , the third day we went to visit them but I forgot the insem kit we didn't bother and just had a great evening together instead.

and so that was nearly two weeks ago , I was lured into boots thursday and bought some tests but alas it was negative .












But not so when I tested today !!!!!! I am pregnant !!!!!!!!!!



S&E were visiting for the day so I gave them the test as soon as they arrived and they were in a state of shock for a good few hours , It was amazing and I feel so honoured to be telling these wonderful people that I am making their dreams come true . off course we bought some more test's so I will be testing again and again over the coming days but I don't expect the result to change .

If all goes acording to plan I will be a bit busy during august:)