What a crappy weekend !!!!!!!!!!

I feel like crying today and in fact i have been so i figured this is the place to let it all out and not bug my Friends with my emotional baggage, you can stop reading now if you want I think you get the idea of the type of post this is going to be.

Friday my wonderful support and fabulous husband went for a vasectomy , he is as peeved at the effect surrogacy is having on our love life as I am . I was so thrilled , see I don;t know if i have mentioned before but we have to abstain while trying to get pregnant , not to bad for the first few months but now nearly a year in its bloody hard !!!

Well the first sign things weren't going to plan was when 20 minutes into a 10 minute procedure the Dr comments that my husband has unusually large tubes and if we wanted he could take a look and see what he could do.

of course Steve said to carry on , the Dr managed to do one side but couldn't do the second . his tools weren't big enough to deal with the size of dh's tubes. so DH has had half a vasectomy , twice the pain because of the difficulty doing the first side and none of the benefits.

To say we are gutted is an understatement. we are planning to see the Dr soon to find out why? and if there is anything else we can try . see even when we aren't trying to be a surrogate hormonal contraception plays havoc with me sex drive and makes it pointless using contraception and this vasectomy was going to be the answer to my prayers .

Then this Sunday morning when I awoke to find my period had started , so that must mean it hasn't worked this month. crappy i know , I am trying not to think to hard what will happen next . another try I know but i am very aware that we can't keep going forever , well have to see what happens with the IUI . E is phoning for an appointment sometime this week I am just hoping it doesn't take too long to get started. as a side note this period has been the heaviest and most painful period i have had in a long time not great but I am putting it down to the ovulex, maybe its something that needs to happen before i can get pregnant ??

and this morning I have read that yet another surrogate friend of mine has got pregnant on her first insems, and to be honest I am a bit annoyed that I had to read it on the boards, we have been really chatty , comparing notes on insems , deciding when test , supporting each other through this cycle and then she doesn't tell me that she is pregnant , knowing damn well that I am kind of fed up with hearing about all these wonderful surrogates that get pg first time. I guess she probably didn't want to upset me but it would have just been nice to have been prepared when I went on the boards.

and finally i had a horrible dream , I know only a dream but it has upset me no end and is probably why I am feeling so wobbly today . I dreamt that my wonderful dh got so fed up with
the restrictions on our sex life that he found someone else who didn't put restrictions on him. I know it would never happen but it didn't stop it upsetting me.

so right now I am feeling pretty useless , terribly tearful, and I honestly don't know how much more of this I can cope with . and its nothing to do with S & E I know they would feel terrible to think they are putting me through this but its not them its all me , stuff in my head making me feel like crap . I think had it not all come at once then I would be handling all of it OK, but its just too much for me right now.

why is nothing ever easy for me , everything i try to do takes so much determination and effort and just when I think everything is going OK something happens to mess it all up again. I'm not sure how much determination I have left anymore